Once upon a time there was a little girl named Alicia -- and she had a problem.
Alicia had lots of friends who lived in many different places, but there was no way to get them all together in one place. It was also difficult for her to visit them, since they all lived so far apart.
One of her friends was a silly old bear with a red t-shirt that lived in a Certain Wood, protected by Copyrights and Trademarks and ringed with Lawyers and Executives and other Important People who specialize in Keeping Things That Should Be Shared, Unshared, Or We'll Sue.
This bear had a fondness for honey and a brain that wasn't very large (not necessarily a good combination), but he was good at thinking. He was terrible at remembering, but he had the thinking part down pat. He would spend hours thinking, but his thoughts were often forgotten before he could even mention them or write them down. Every once in a while, though, a Thought would stick -- and this time, he had a Very Good Thought and he remembered to save it so he could give it to his friend Alicia.
Well, Alicia came by for a visit one afternoon and the silly old bear was very excited to give her his Thought. It was too big a Thought to put in her pocket (where she kept a few lucky pennies and a worm or two). She was just about to tell her friend that she had no place to put the Thought when she remembered something her Mommy had told her -- listen. So she listened to the Thought and found that it fit quite nicely in the space between her ears that's often called a Brain.
The thing was, this Thought was a Very Special Thought and it turned out to be not just Very Special, but Very Important. Alicia didn't know that it was a Very Important Thought, but she knew it was a Special Thought, so she took it to her Daddy's workshop, because she knew her Daddy liked Thoughts and he could usually figure them out.
The Thought she brought him from her silly old bear friend was this: "If we had a door, a magical door, then we could tickle its chin and ask it politely to open up and take us wherever we want to go!"
When she got to the workshop, her Daddy was busy tinkering. He often tinkered and was even known to putter on occasion. On this day, he was busy tinkering with an old radio and just when Alicia came in, sparks flew out the back of the radio and there was an enormous puff of smoke. This didn't bother Alicia, because sparks and puffs of smoke happened all the time out in the workshop. But she did laugh because this time her Daddy's hair was standing straight up and smoking.
“Daddy,” she said. “I have a Thought I wanted to ask you about. It's a Special Thought.”
“And what would that Thought be, Little Bean?”
“I was just over to see Bear and he gave it to me. He was thinking that since me and him and all our friends live so far apart, that a magical door would be able to take us wherever we want to go. With a door like that, we'd be able to visit our friends from all over anytime we want!”
“That just might work,” he said. “But I've never made a magic door before. Let's ask Google about it.”
Google was a Gnome who lived in their garden. He was a little chap, about a foot tall and almost as wide, with a tall red hat and a dirty brown jacket. But he was smart. Google knew just about everything, including the time of day. He and Alicia's Daddy spent many hours talking about all kinds of Important Things like Philosophy and Tomatoes and The Weather.
“Google!” her Daddy called. “Are you free?”
Google popped his head up from behind a pumpkin. He had leaves and twigs in his hair and beard, which is usual, but he didn't realize there was a huge daisy stuck to his hat. Alicia found this funny and tried not to giggle, but it was hard. She new that gnomes take offense easily.
“What yer want?” Google asked.
“Do you know anything about magic doors?” her Daddy asked as he brushed soot from his shoulder and tried to get his hair to lay flat.
“I knows a thing'r two about'em. Why's yer askin'?”
“Alicia just brought me a Thought – a Special Thought – that her friend Bear came up with.”
“That silly ol' Bear in the red t-shirt? I'm amazed he remembered it.”
Google liked Bear and sometimes even brought him honey, but he knew Bear was terrible at remembering things.
So Alicia's Daddy shared the Thought with Google. Google sat down on a pumpkin and started picking twigs from his beard as he pondered.
“Hmmm... Yes... Hmmm... Maybe... Well... Hmmm...” and then he picked his nose.
“Well, can you help me?” Alicia's Daddy asked.
Google stopped picking his nose and cocked his head. “Yah... I can help yer, but we're gonna need to talk to the Fairies.”
“Why the Fairies?”
“They gots the Dust.”
Alicia was doing her best not to giggle at the daisy on Google's hat, but just then it slipped down and covered one of his eyes.
“What the...?!” Google cried as he brushed the flower off.
Alicia couldn't help herself and burst out in giggles, but Google didn't take offense.
The Fairies lived in an old maple tree past the garden and around the fence. They usually kept to themselves but on hot summer nights they would fly around the back yard, playing tag with Alicia. They also liked to dip into Alicia's Daddy's flask of whiskey, sneaking sips and then flying into walls and tree trunks.
When they got to the old maple, Google knocked on the trunk three times and then whistled. The tree trunk quivered and then split open at the bottom, revealing a tiny door about six inches high. There was the sound of a lock clicking and the door opened a crack.
“We don't want any,” said the Fairy inside. “We gave at the office and there's a check in the mail,” she added.
“It's just me, Meggie,” said Google. “I needs to talk to yer about some Dust.”
Meggie was a Sugar Plum Fairy and only trusted children. Being faced with a Gnome and a Big Human, she was leery of opening the door. But then she saw Alicia was with them and decided it was safe.
“What about the Dust?”, she asked.
“Alicia here wants her Daddy to make her a magic door so her and her friends can visit.”
“Hmmm... the Dust would do it, but what's in it for me?” she replied.
“Greedy Fairies,” Google muttered.
“What did you say?” Meggie asked, looking as offended as a Fairy can.
“Feed the Fairies,” Google replied. “Gots to feed the Fairies, I say. And I've got some loverly daisies for ya.”
“Daisies? Mmmmm... I love daisies.”
“So we gots us a deal? Dust for daisies?”
“Let me think about it,” she said and then shut the door. She tapped her foot a few times, straightened her wings, then opened the door again.
“I want the daisies first. Then you get the Dust.”
CHAPTER TWO
Well, Google went off to pick some daisies (now that he no longer had one stuck to his hat).
But when he got to the back yard, not a daisy could be found.
“Drats, drats and triple drats!” he swore.
“I wake up with a durned daisy stuck ter me hat and now that I need one, I can't find a single one! We gots clover and dandelions and even some posies, but not a dad-gurned daisy anywheres.”
Apparently, the Pixies had overheard the Deal he had made with Meggie the Fairy and decided to play their games. Pixies and Fairies don't get along very well, let alone with Humans and Gnomes, so when the Pixies got wind that Google was going to trade daisies for Fairy Dust, they acted up.
Pixies are about the size of Fairies, but they have much longer teeth and like to hold grudges. In fact, they'll invent a grudge just to have one. But otherwise, they're fairly peaceful (except for the occasional bite on the ankle when you're mowing the lawn).
Since the Pixies heard that Google was going to give some daisies to Meggie (and get Fairy Dust in return), they felt affronted and swarmed over the yard, picking and shredding every daisy in sight. Pixies get upset when Fairies get their way. It's just one of those things among the Wee.
Well, Google couldn't find a single daisy and was getting upset himself, and even took off his hat and threw it down on the ground and then stomped on it a few times.
“Garsh darn Pixies,” he said. “You can't shoot'em and you sure can't live wit'em. Fickle little buggers. And nasty, too.”
Alicia and her Daddy were still with him and Alicia's Daddy asked, “Well what can we do? Meggie wants daisies if we're going to get the Dust and make the doors.”
“No problem,” said Google. “Just hang on a minute.”
Then he put two fingers to his mouth and made a whistle so loud it might have shattered windows if there were any windows nearby. Thankfully, they were in the garden or there might have been trouble. He then held out his arm and made sure his dirty brown coatsleeve was respectable, brushing the garden stuff off.
Within seconds, a hawk landed on his arm. The hawk was as big as his hat and twice as feisty, but Gnomes have strong arms and are good at looking birds in the eye and getting their way.
“Hello, Laddie,” he said.
The hawk just squawked, but it did look him in the eye.
“We need some daisies and the durn Pixies went and picked all the buggers out'r the yard that I had. Can you finds some fer me?”
The hawk looked him in the eye again and nodded once, then flew off.
He flew over the neighbors' yards and even over the Park. But he only found one – a single daisy about two streets away that was hiding under an old oak tree.
The hawk snapped it up in his beak and brought it back to Google and Alicia and her Daddy.
Everyone was pleased since this was a Very Nice daisy and they proceeded to wrap it up in a decorative box lined with scented tissue paper to please Meggie.
The next morning, Google did his special knock on Meggie's tree and
she answered the door, poking her head through the crack and asking “Whadda you want now?”.
When she saw the nicely wrapped box, she opened the door right up so fast that the sonic barrier might have been broken. Fairies love daisies and can't get enough of them (they also like chocolate, but Fairies and chocolate are a VERY dangerous mix).
“Daisies!” she exclaimed. “Oh my!”
“Well thats were our deal,” said Google. “Just keepin' up my end.”
“That's gotta be a job,” she replied.
“It's only one,” he said. “Coulda got yer more but the durned Pixies went and trashed the rest. And do yer got the Dust?”
Meggie slipped out her door to take a look at the lone daisy. She picked it up, put it down, picked it up again and took a sniff, put it back down and shrugged. It was a Very Nice daisy, but she'd been hoping for more.
“You're not getting much Dust for that,” she said.
“I'm not eatin' the stuff,” Google grumbled. “As long as it's enough for Alicia's door is all that matters.”
“It'll be enough,” she said. “A little Dust goes a long way.”
“But does her Daddy know how to use it?” she asked.
“If he don't catch on fire or explode, I suppose he'll figure it out,” Google replied.
“I don't like giving Dust out to amateurs,” she said. “Dust is powerful stuff.”
“I knows it is,” said Google. “I'll keeps an eye on him.”
“Well... in that case... if you promise to keep an eye on him...”
Meggie ducked back through her door and came back out with a small jar of Fairy Dust. It was a very small jar, but it glowed like the moon does as she held it up in the morning sun.
“Dust for daisies, right?”
“That'll do,” said Google. “We'll figure out how to make it work.”
CHAPTER THREE
Now that they had some fairy dust, it was time to make the door.
Google and Alicia's Daddy put their heads together (not literally, mind you) and started on a plan.
The door had to be large enough for a little girl of about five years to fit through, but it also needed a chin to be tickled and various other hardware like hinges and such.
Alicia's Daddy looked around his shop and found the parts, but he couldn't find a chin.
“Where am I supposed to find a chin?” he asked Google. “I don't think they sell chins at the hardware store.”
Google giggled.
“Yer gots to make the chin, ya silly goof!”
“But how do I make a chin?” Alicia's Daddy asked. “I know how to make a door, but I've never made a chin before. I'm a tinkerer and putterer, not a chin maker.”
Google giggled some more and said “I'll show yer how. It ain't be too hard, but yer gots to pay attention.”
“Pay attention to what?”
“Details, me friend. Details. Yer gots to gets the dimple in the middle and all the whiskers just right. If yer don't, there's no tellin' where that door'll take ya.”
“So how do I know if I got them right?”
Google giggled once again. “Yer don't. Yer gots to test it ter find out.”
“Crap.”
Google was now rolling on the floor laughing his butt off.
So Alicia's Daddy set to work and wasn't happy to be laughed at. He pictured in his Mind a door about three feet high and a foot and a half wide. There would be trimmings and decoration, of course, but he was worried about the chin. He'd made many doors before and installed quite a few, but he'd never made a door with a chin.
“I'll show that Gnome,” he thought.
First he had to pick out the wood – a curly maple – and then he fired up the saws. He ripped and planed and joined the boards and then spent two hours trying to find appropriate hinges. After having a snack of tuna fried up and served on rye toast with a slice of cheese, he got to work on the frame.
But he still had to work on the chin.
Chins are a challenge, even for a very experienced woodworker. And then you have to figure out where to install it. So Alicia's Daddy picked out a piece of oak from his woodpile, shaped it and routed it and sanded it down, then grabbed his woodcarving chisels.
A chin needs a face (and two eyes, a nose and a mouth, not to mention ears), so that's what he did. He made a door handle that was a face (including a chin) and fastened it to the door.
In the meantime, Google had been telling very lame jokes about Sprites and their shortcomings. He was also picking his nose and scratching things that should only be scratched in private. Alicia's Daddy pretty much ignored him and turned up the radio.
“I think I got it,” said Alicia's Daddy, holding up the finished door.
“Yah... looks good enough,” said Google. “Coulda used a few more whiskers, but it just might do. Time for the Dust.”
Google hopped down from the workbench and went over to the shelf where Alicia's Daddy had put the jar of Fairy Dust.
“Can yer give me a lift?” he asked, since the shelf was about four feet over his head.
Alicia's Daddy picked him up and then Google grabbed the jar of Fairy Dust.
“Alls we gots to do is sprinkle a little on the handle.”
“And maybe a wee bit on the hinges.”
So Alicia's Daddy put Google down and opened the jar.
“This smells like manure,” he said.
“How do yer think they make the durn Dust?” said Google. “A big dinner of daisies and a bedpan and yer gots piles of it.”
Alicia's Daddy looked at the Dust again and thought he should probably wash his hands after sprinkling it.
“Well go on,” said Google. “Sprinkle the Dust.”
Alicia's Daddy dipped his fingers in the jar (trying not to breathe now knowing where it came from) and sprinkled a bit over the whole door.
When the Dust hit the door, it was similar to the old radio repair: Sparks, smoke, minor explosions, hair standing on end and smoking.
Google was already standing on the shop floor, but he fell over giggling.
“Did it work?” Alicia's Daddy asked as he tried to put out the fire in his hair.
“Only one way to find out,” said Google. “Tickle the chin.”
Alicia's Daddy approached the door with caution (having just had his hair go up in smoke).
He tickled the chin of the door handle.
At first, nothing happened.
But then the handle came to life and started giggling.
And it wouldn't stop.
“Did I use too much Dust?” Alicia's Daddy asked Google.
“Nar... yer just gots to ask it to take yer somewhere. Then it'll shut up.”
So Alicia's Daddy brushed the soot from the Fairy Dust off his shoulders and straightened himself up. “Take me to Middle Earth,” he said. “I want to have a word with the Elves.”
The door stopped giggling and said “Yes, Sir!”
And then it opened.
CHAPTER FOUR
Alicia's Daddy had always wanted to visit Middle Earth. He'd read about it in some Books he kept on a shelf and had come to know and love many of its inhabitants through the Words the Books contained.
He was excited that he would finally be meeting some of them.
He had to stoop to get through, having built the door for a five year old girl, but going from one world to another was well worth the effort.
In front of him sat two Elves smoking pipes and chatting.
“Hello!” he said.
The Elves were startled by his sudden appearance and nearly fell off the log they were sitting on, dropping their pipes and picking up their bows with arrows readied.
“Who goes?” they demanded.
“A friend,” he said. “I'm Alicia's Daddy and I just made a Door and was testing it.”
The Elves were unsure what to make of this miraculous appearance and kept their bows aimed at his chest.
“How do we know you're a friend?” one of them challenged.
“And what do you mean by 'Door'?” the other asked.
“Well for one thing, I'm not pointing or aiming anything sharp at you,” said Alicia's Daddy. “And by 'Door', I mean a magical rectangular thing with hinges that opens and closes and takes you places.”
The Elves thought about that for half a minute or so and lowered their bows.
“You say you made a Door?” one of them asked.
“Yes. A magic Door. That's how I got here.” he said as he tried to flatten his smoking hair.
“Well where's the door?”
Alicia's Daddy turned around to look and discovered that the Door had vanished.
“Doh!” he exclaimed.
“Now that's not right,” he said. “But it's still in testing... must not have got the Dust right.”
The Elves finally concluded that Alicia's Daddy was no threat to them, but a barmy tinkerer who was now lost, so they put away their bows.
“Elroy may be able to help you,” said the taller of the two.
“Elroy?” asked Alicia's Daddy. “I thought the head Elf was Elrond.”
“No, no, no... he went West ages ago,” said the shorter one. “Elroy is his cousin and he runs the place now.”
“And does a fine job of it, too,” added the taller Elf as he winked at and elbowed his smaller partner.
Alicia's Daddy was not only stranded in Middle Earth, but also didn't know the local politics well enough to get the joke.
“Do any wizards come by anymore?” he asked. “There's one with a gray beard I'd really like to talk to.”
The Elves shared a knowing look with each other and the shorter one said “Are you meaning 'Gandalf'?”
“That would be him.”
“He's in the lockup for shoplifting,” the taller Elf replied.
“But we know he didn't do it,” whispered the smaller one. “It was a setup.”
“So Elroy's in charge and Gandalf's in jail?”
“That about sums it up,” said the shorter Elf.
Alicia's Daddy wasn't sure what to do next. The two people in Middle Earth he most wanted to meet were gone or incarcerated on false charges. He thought of sticking around to see if he could get Gandalf out of jail, but then he remembered he had no money or weapons on him.
“Where's that dang door?” he wondered out loud.
“Pssstt... over here.”
He turned around and saw a face in the oak behind him that looked very much like the handle he had made for the Door.
“Tickle my chin and I'll take you back,” it said.
So he did.
CHAPTER FIVE
Another puff of smoke and a gross of sparks later, Alicia's Daddy was back in the workshop.
Google eyed him curiously and asked, “Gots all yer parts?”.
Alicia's Daddy patted himself all over and said “I think so. All the important ones, anyway.”
Google jumped down from his perch on the workbench and circled around Alicia's Daddy, making sure nothing was missing.
“So how did yer get back?” Google asked.
“I tickled the chin of an oak tree,” Alicia's Daddy replied. “It talked to me.”
“Yar, they'll do that. Whatevers yer make the handle out of, that's the kinda tree that'll get yer back. Good thing you didn't pick birch or a weeping willow.”
“Why not?”
“The birches sway too much to be trusted. The willows will make you cry so hard you'll wish you'd never been born.”
“So oak was a good choice?”
“I didn't say it was a good choice. I just said it was better yer hadn't picked birch or willow.”
Google shuffled around the workshop with his hands in his pockets, kicking scraps of wood and piles of sawdust.
“But is the door safe for Alicia?” her Daddy asked.
“It didn't kill yer, did it?” Google replied.
“I don't want her being faced by elves with bows and arrows.”
“Neither der I,” Google said. “But she's gots ter grow up and she can't do that with yer hangin' all over'er.”
“I know,” her Daddy replied. “But I can't help but worry. She's just a wee little thing. She's smart and knows how to think, but still... I worry.”
“Well that's yer job, ain't it?” Google asked. “If yer don't do it, who will?”
“Her mother would worry.”
“Well of course she would, ya woolly scorched-haired git! But butterflies needs their wings ya'know... and air to try'em out!”
“I know, Google,” Alicia's Daddy replied. “But she's my little girl. I don't know what I would do if anything serious happened to her. For that matter, I'm not sure I want to know what her mother would do to me if anything mild happened to her.”
“Yer needs to relax and lets her have some fun,” Google said.
“The door looks safe enough and yerve already made a round trip in one piece (even if yer hair's a bit fried). Let her go visit Bear and that little Pig and the rest of her friends. She'll love you more fer it.”
“But what if something happens? What if she can't get back? What if...””
“Awww... shuts yer pie hole,” Google said. “She'll be just fine.”
“Easy for you to say. You don't have any kids.”
“If I did, I'd have me a whip to keep'em adventurin'. That's what it's all about, y'know... adventurin'.”
“Well... I'll let her go one time, as a test, but only to that Certain Wood and only to visit Bear. As long as she doesn't try going to places where Lions and Witches and Wardrobes coincide, or where disgruntled and demoralized Elves live...”
Google giggled again.
“Yer gots to let her have a go,” he said. “Butterflies can't be caged for long.”
“I'll let her have a go,” Alicia's Daddy said. “But I think I should go with her.”
“Yer can hold on ter her hair all yer wants, but she's gonna get loose.”
“I know,” her Daddy said. “But she's worth holding on to, even if it's in vain.”
CHAPTER SIX
“Alicia,” said her Daddy. “I think we've got a job to do.”
“What kind of job?”
“We need to free a wizard.”
“That sounds like fun.”
“Not fun, Alicia. Could be dangerous. And we'll probably need Bear.”
“What can Bear do?” she asked.
“Bear's not good at remembering, but I am. And he's a good Thinker. I think we should ask him to come along.”
“What about Little Pig?” she asked. “He's a good Thinker, too, I think.”
“Of course he is,” he replied. “He might even be useful,” he added. “But he quivers and shivers a bit more than I'd prefer. From what I know, though, he's got a Good Heart. Good Hearts are Useful.”
Alicia wished her Daddy would let Little Pig come along.
Little Pig was lots of fun when he wasn't frightened out of his pants (not that he wore any, even for Holidays).
Little Pig was a curious creature. And not because he was curious. He was the most uncurious creature you'd ever meet. When someone knocked at the door, he would hide under the bed or behind the couch and would say “Nobody's home.” The curious thing about him was that he wasn't quite a Pig, but he was too old to be a Piglet. Even though he was often frightened by the smallest things, he always came through for his friends.
Just then, a little star way up in the sky said “Okay,” before spinning twice, flipping over backwards, then waving all five hands before slipping like nothing into the Milky Way.
So Alicia got her wish.
But she also wanted her bouncy friend (the one with the name that rhymes with Trigger) to come along. A bouncer is always handy when trying to rescue a wizard from bars.
She asked, “Daddy, can my striped and bouncy friend come along, too?”
“We've already got Bear coming,” he said. “And Little Pig, too.”
“I know. But he'll behave,” she promised. “I'll make sure he sits still when we're doing anything important.”
“Well... since you promised...”
Alicia's Daddy had a feeling this was going to be a very long day filled with more adventures than he was in the mood for.
But he went ahead and tickled the door's chin again.
The door giggled and said “Yes Sir,” and Alicia's Daddy said “will you please take us to that Certain Wood? We need to pick up a few friends there and might be a while. Will you be easy to find when we're ready to come home?”
“Just look for the big oak tree in the clearing where they have picnics. I'll be there,” the Door said.
Alicia's Daddy looked at Alicia nervously.
He didn't want anything serious to happen, but he really wanted to free his wizard friend from trumped up shoplifting charges. He also thought this would be fun.
He patted the door's handle and and pulled it open.
“Here we go,” he said as he took Alicia's hand.
Then the whole world spinned away into a new one.
CHAPTER SEVEN
The problem with magical doors is that they are brought to life and powered by fairy dust, which by itself is a very unstable substance.
Imagine carrying around a bottle of very explosive nitroglycerin that argues with you, telling you “be careful!” one second, then “drop me!” the next. Fairy dust comes with no handling manual, only warnings and the occasional bit of advice from others who know no better than you.
“You can't use too much Dust on a Door,” would be a perfect example.
Does that mean you should sprinkle as much as possible on a Door?
Or does it mean you should go sparingly, only using just enough to waken the door and keep it going?
In any case, Alicia's Daddy was starting to question Google's advice because instead of finding themselves in the part of the Certain Wood he'd thought the Door would take them, they ended up in a Very Dark part that even Wheezles avoid whenever possible.
It wasn't completely dark, though. A little bit of sunlight made its way through heavy clouds and very dense treetops to show them a path, but by the time it got to them, the best it could do was give the mist swirling about their feet an eerie glow.
But there was another light.
What appeared to be a lantern bobbed toward them on the path very slowly. It swayed one way and then the other, then came forward a little. Then it swayed again each way and came even closer.
Alicia's Daddy wasn't sure who was holding the lantern, and was very uncomfortable with the situation, so he held a finger to his lips and said “Shhh!” to Alicia and they hid behind a large fir tree.
“Vegetables. Come get your vegetables,” they heard a voice call out in a half-hearted slow drawl.
“Not too many flies, today,” it continued after a sigh. “And almost no maggots. Only three weeks old,” it said.
When the lantern holder approached their tree, they could see it was a donkey pulling an old rickety cart loaded up with some of the worst produce you can imagine. There were smashed pumpkin parts and rotten tomatoes, wormy peppers and wilted carrots. About the only thing even close to fresh was a bushel of brussel sprouts, but nobody would ever eat those, fresh or not.
Alicia recognized the donkey at once and was about to jump out from behind the tree, but her Daddy held her back.
“Is that Eyesore?” he asked.
Alicia was about to correct him, but just then they heard a loud screech. A giant crow had just landed on the donkey's cart and was eying up the inventory.
“Not a good day for sales, aye?”
“Nope.”
“Well you better sell this lot quick, or The Queen Missus will turn you into a carpet.”
“Aw, Crow...”, the donkey replied, “that would be wonderful. Then maybe I could get someone to walk on my back.”
This gave the crow a pause and he cocked his head to get a better look at the donkey.
“Y'know,” said the crow, “you really should take your job more seriously. If The Queen Missus wanted, she could make your life miserable.”
“That would be a nice change of pace,” sighed the donkey.
“You're impossible!” crowed the crow as he flexed his wings and ruffled his feathers.
“No. I'm not impossible. If I was impossible, I wouldn't be here pulling this cart. I wouldn't be anywhere, would I?”
Now the crow was extremely flummoxed. All the other Creatures he was in charge of managing always quivered and shook when he came around. This donkey, though...
“Get back to work, you stupid donkey!” squawked the crow. “And you better come back with a cart full of treasure instead of these stinking old vegetables! Or else!”
“Or else what?” the donkey asked in his very slow drawl. “Will somebody finally walk on my back? Well... there's an incentive.”
“GAWWK!” screeched the crow. “You... are... impossible!”
“I thought we already covered that, Crow.”
At that, the crow almost turned from black to red, but flexed his wings and let his back feathers stand on end instead and in an instant, flew off into the dark treetops with a parting “GAWWK!”
Alicia's Daddy looked around in the dim light and decided it was safe to come out – at least for him. He whispered to Alicia, “You stay here until I tell you it's okay to come out. Got it?”
“Yes, Daddy,” she whispered back.
So he slipped out from behind the tree and approached the donkey with the cart as if he was buying hotdogs deep-fried in chocolate at the county fair.
“What you got there, Eyesore?” he asked.
The donkey nearly jumped out of his skin. He was used to the crow bothering him, but wasn't used to Big People coming out of nowhere. At least he could hear the crow's wings flapping as a warning.
But he recovered quickly.
“Ah... Oh... Well...” said the donkey. “I doubt you want any of it, but I've got a cart full of old vegetables nobody wants. Not even the pigs. You can have it all for a thistle. Or free.”
“What's going on here, Eyesore?” Alicia's Daddy asked.
“Just some oppression,” sighed the donkey. “And a little coercion. Throw in a little dictatorial monarchy with no throne, no Constitution, no Bill of Rights, no...”
“I get your point,” Alicia's Daddy said, cutting him off. “But what happened? Alicia was just here a few days ago visiting Bear and everything was just fine.”
“Ah... Oh... Well... There you have it,” replied the donkey.
“What do you mean, 'There you have it'?”
“Time. Space. Worlds apart. That sort of thing,” explained the donkey with a swish of his tail.
“I don't understand.”
“Well... Hmmm... How to explain it,” continued the donkey. “You see, under normal circumstances, your world and the world here run at just about the same time. But now we've got “The Queen Missus” and she's changed it. A day in your world may be a month or a year here now. Or it might be a second. You never know.”
“How long has it been, then?” Alicia's Daddy asked.
“Oh... I dunno... maybe four years,” the donkey answered. “I remember Alicia's last visit. Very nice of her to pick the nettles out of my fur.”
Just then, the donkey and Alicia's Daddy realized that Alicia had left her hiding place and was standing next to them.
“What can we do to help?” she asked.
“Probably nothing,” sighed the donkey. “The Queen Missus is pretty powerful. It would take a very strong Wizard to set her straight.”
“Gandalf!” Alicia and her Daddy said at once.
“If we can get him off those shoplifting charges – or just get him loose – we could bring him back here and give that Queen Missus more than a talking to,” said her Daddy.
The donkey wasn't sure what they were talking about, having never heard of Gandalf, but he was willing to help and said so.
“I don't know, Eyesore,” Alicia's Daddy said. “Freeing Gandalf is going to be a pretty dangerous job.” Then he thought about it some more and said, “but you could help us find an oak tree.”
“An oak tree? What do you need an oak tree for?”
“To get back to my workshop for a few things. And give Google a good swift kick in the bum.”
“Who's Google?” the donkey asked.
“A tricky little gnome who thinks he knows everything,” said Alicia's Daddy.
“Ah... Oh... Well... One of those, huh? Well there's an oak about a mile down the path. Nothing but firs here. Follow me.”
And with that, Alicia and her Daddy and the donkey set off down the path to find the oak. All they had to do was call for the Door when they got near it and it would take them home.
But they had to get there first and a mile in a dark wood can be a very long way.
CHAPTER EIGHT
There are miles and there are miles, and then there are miles and miles. But a mile in the dark is like six in the shade and a dozen by daylight.
Alicia and her Daddy and the donkey (still pulling his cart of rotten vegetables) made their way down the path, surrounded by towering pines that blotted out the sky. They were headed downhill, so the mists got thicker and the little light they had before slowly faded.
“I'm afraid, Daddy.”
“Me, too, Bean. I just hope Eyesore knows where he's going.”
“It's not Eyesore, Daddy, it's Eey...”
Just then they heard a rustle in the leaves to the left of the path and they all stopped dead in their tracks and were silent. Then they heard a scurrying off to the right, followed by another rustle to the left.
“Eyesore...” Alicia's Daddy whispered to the donkey. “What was that?”
“Doom. Probably Doom.” Then the donkey continued on down the path. “Are you coming?”
Alicia and her Daddy hurried to catch up with the donkey and his cart – and his lantern. That little lantern was now the only light they had and they didn't want to get too far from it.
As they walked the path, they continued to hear rustles and scurrying all around them and even in the branches above. Pine needles sprinkled down on them and in the small light of the lantern, they could see shadows flitting among the darker shadows of the trees around them.
“What's following us, Eyesore?” Alicia's Daddy asked.
“Didn't you hear me the first time?” the donkey asked. “Doom follows everyone, so we're nothing special. Here or in the sun.”
Alicia's Daddy wasn't liking where this conversation was going, considering his Little Bean was walking along next to them, holding his hand tightly and obviously frightened.
“How close are we to the oak?” he asked.
“About another half mile,” the donkey drawled. “But we still have to go through The Cusp.”
“The Cusp of what?” Alicia's Daddy asked, getting more concerned by the minute.
“Ah... Oh... Well... that would be The Cusp of Doom. Didn't I tell you?”
“You said nothing of a 'Cusp of Doom' earlier.”
“It ain't nuttin',” said the donkey. “It's just a place where nothing matters and all hope is lost.”
Alicia's Daddy was starting to wonder whether having a depressed donkey as a guide was good thing when all of a sudden, a very large tree limb crashed onto the path in front of them.
“That would be a Harbinger of Doom,” said the donkey nonchalantly. “But don't worry. We've got a lantern. As long as the lantern doesn't go out, we'll be fine.”
As luck would have it, as soon as he spoke the words, a stiff wind came along and blew the lantern out.
“Crap,” said the donkey. “It's okay to panic now.”
Alicia's Daddy wasn't sure what to do, but the first thing he thought of was to throw Alicia into the cart with the icky vegetables and jump in after her.
“Run, Eyesore, run!” he yelled.
The donkey, being a donkey, stood still and looked over his back. “Are you telling me to do something? Because I don't like to be 'told' to do things. I prefer to be asked nicely. But then nobody ever asks nicely. It's always 'do this' or 'do that' or...”
Alicia's Daddy cut him off. “Eyesore! The lantern is out and we only have a half mile to go! If you RUN, we just might ALL make it!”
“Oh,” said the donkey. “Good point.”
The donkey was never known for speed, but he turned into a sprinter right quick. He took off so fast the cart almost disconnected from his harness. The wooden wheels bounced all over the path, kicking up leaves and dirt and rocks and threatened to shatter just as the “Doom” descended around them in shadowy packs.
Wild things never seen before swept around them and gnashed their teeth and swiped at them with their claws, tearing chunks out of the side of the cart. Alicia and her Daddy kept low, their faces almost buried in the nasty vegetables, while the donkey ran like a racehorse and dodged this way and that. The rickety old cart held together, though, and in a few minutes, they were clear of The Cusp.
“I think we lost them!” yelled Alicia's Daddy, but the donkey didn't slow down.
“I said I think we lost them!” he yelled louder.
Without slowing down, the donkey yelled over his back, “But did they lose US?”
Alicia's Daddy, bouncing around in the cart with the rotten vegetables and Alicia, peered up over the edge of the cart and saw that the Wood was getting lighter and the scary shadows were gone.
“Yes... I think they lost us,” he said.
The donkey slowed down and came to a halt. Everyone checked to make sure they weren't missing any parts, though they were all out of breath.
“That was a close one,” said the donkey.
“I'd say,” said Alicia's Daddy. “How much further to the oak?”
“You mean the one over there?”
Rooted right next to the path was a magnificent oak of enormous proportions. A giant would have had trouble wrapping his arms around its trunk and you'd need a telescope to see its top.
“Got a match?” the donkey asked.
“For what?” asked Alicia's Daddy.
“To relight the lantern. I gotta go back through there, y'know.”
“Why don't you leave the cart and come with us?” asked Alicia.
“Ah... Oh... Well... That would work, too,” said the donkey.
“Door!” yelled Alicia's Daddy. The side of the oak facing them shimmered and quivered and the face from the door handle appeared.
“Yes, Sir?” asked the face.
“Would you please take us back to my workshop? I need to pick up a few things.”
“No problem, Sir!” said the Door. “Just tickle my chin and we're off.”
So Alicia and her Daddy helped the donkey out of his harness and freed him from the cart of stinky vegetables. Then holding hands (with Alicia holding the donkey's ear) Alicia's Daddy tickled the door handle's chin and the oak spit wide open to reveal his workshop, same as he'd left it, and they passed through.
CHAPTER NINE
When Alicia and her Daddy and the donkey slipped through the tree back into the workshop, they almost turned around and went back to face the “Doom”.
Standing before them dangling Google by his feet was Alicia's Mommy and she had the most furious of furious looks on her face.
“Where. Have. You. Been.”
This wasn't a question. This was serious.
Alicia started to open her mouth to answer, but her Daddy stepped on her toe.
“Nowhere special, Honey,” he started. “We were just testing the Door.”
“Testing the Door... Right...” Her look became even more furious, as if that was possible.
“Nothing dangerous, of course. Just off to visit Bear and Pig and that bouncy fellow.”
Alicia's Mommy wasn't buying it.
“So why do you have rotten vegetables in your hair? And WHAT on EARTH made you think it would be okay to drag Alicia along?! You may be used to explosions and sparks and setting your hair on fire, but she's only FIVE YEARS OLD!”
Alicia's Daddy wasn't sure what to say.
Alicia started to open her mouth again to explain, but her Daddy nudged her with his elbow to be quiet.
In the meantime, Google was still dangling by his feet and wasn't too happy about it.
“Put me down, Woman!” he cried. “Put me down already!”
Alicia's Mommy had almost forgotten she was holding him up by his feet. But instead of putting him down, she shook him and said “And THIS little bugger knew all along what you were up to and wouldn't tell me a thing. Just kept giggling and saying 'you'll see, you'll see'.”
At that, Google giggled again. “Now that you see,” he said. “Will you PLEASE put me down now?”
She did, but not very nicely. She simply let go of his feet and he landed right on his head, crumpling his red hat.
“Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...” he moaned and then muttered “Crazy woman.”
“What did you say?” she asked threateningly.
“Daisies growin',” he said quickly. “I was just thinkin' the daisies are growin' and I should pick yer some.”
As Google sat there with a crumpled hat, rubbing his sore noggin, Alicia's Mommy turned back to Alicia and her Daddy and the donkey.
“And where did this donkey come from?” she demanded. “I'll have no donkeys in the house. I just swept the floors!”
Alicia started to say “But this is Eey...” but this time was interrupted by the donkey.
“Good afternoon, Ma'am,” he drawled. “No need for me to come inside. I'm used to the outdoors and I probably won't eat much. Just passing through, really.”
Alicia's Mommy was a little surprised to meet a talking donkey in person. She'd read about them, of course, but she'd never met one.
“As long as you stay out of my kitchen,” she said sternly.
Then she turned her fiery gaze back to Alicia's Daddy.
Alicia's Daddy cringed for a second, but he straightened his shoulders and asked “Yes, dear?”
“I want to know where you two have been and I want to know why you have vegetables in your hair.”
Before Alicia's Daddy could answer, the donkey interrupted. “Ah... Oh... Well... That would be my fault. My vegetable cart overturned and Alicia and her Daddy helped me upright it, Ma'am.”
“Yes, exactly,” said Alicia's Daddy. “We were on our way to Bear's house when we found Eyesore here with his cart overturned. We couldn't just pass him by without helping now, could we?”
Alicia's Mommy still wasn't buying their story, but she knew she was outnumbered. And though she was angry, she had good reason. She was the type of person who worried about the Special People in her life and didn't want them to have anything Bad happen to them – especially Alicia. When the Special People in her life did dangerous things, she got testy.
“We're having potpies at five o'clock,” she announced. “Donkey... you can graze out back and I'll get you some carrots.” Then she whisked out of the room in a huff.
Alicia and her Daddy and the donkey all looked at each other and said “Whew!”
Google, on the other hand, was still sitting on the floor rubbing his head. “With a wild woman like that on the loose, what I really need is a football helmet,” he said.
Now it was Alicia's Daddy's turn to get angry with Google.
“Google,” he started. “Do you really know anything about Doors?”
Faced with a direct question, Google had little room to wriggle.
“I knows enough,” he said. “I helped yer get it workin', dint I?”
“Yes, it does work,” replied Alicia's Daddy. “But something's not right. When I was building it, you said 'you can't use too much Fairy Dust on a Door'. Isn't that a little ambiguous? Where did you learn about Doors anyway?”
“I learnsed everything I knows about Doors at Gnome School.”
“Gnome School?”
“Well it ain't exactly Harvard, but we learnsed lots of stuff.”
“And what about the amount of Fairy Dust to make a Door work properly?”
“Well... they never did specify an exact amount. And I only got a D+ in that class. But the textbook was based on a Nuclear Regulatory Commission manual about how to safely operate a nuclear reactor.”
“Google... I think we may have accidentally created a rip in the time-space continuum with this Door.”
“A what in the what?”
“Every place I've visited has something very wrong with it. Middle Earth has Gandalf in jail on trumped-up shoplifting charges. The Certain Wood now has a 'Queen Missus' who is sucking the life out of the land. And then there's the time shift. Our worlds used to run sort of in synch, but now a day there can take a second here and a month there can be years here. I think we messed something up.”
Google sat there for a few minutes flattening out his crumpled hat and thinking, absently scratching his beard and armpits and bum.
“We need the hawk again,” he finally proclaimed. Then he whistled.
CHAPTER TEN
Google whistled and soon came the Hawk.
It was a majestic bird, with wide wings and a puffed up chest. Google looked it in the eye and whispered something, then it took off again.
A few minutes later, the Hawk returned with Meggie the Fairy in his talons and unceremoniously dumped her at Google's feet. Google gave him an old chicken leg he'd been keeping in his pocket (don't ask, it was just there) and the Hawk went back home.
Meggie was not very happy about having been picked up by a hawk.
“Awright.... What's all this now? Google! I shoulda known you'd be behind this. I'm gonna kick yer bum!”
“You'll need to stand in line, Meggie,” he said. “I think Alicia's Daddy has first dibs.”
“Well I want seconds,” she said, crossing her arms and trying to look as mean as she could, but ended up just sticking out her tongue and making a face.
“Whatcher want, anyway,” she asked.
“We've got a Door that may have caused a rip in ther, err.. time-space condominium. I don't knows if we put too much Dust or too little. All I knows is Alicia's Daddy says something went haywire.”
“Well you can't put too much Dust on a Door,” she said.
Alicia's Daddy groaned and Google was tempted to stick his crumpled hat over Meggie's whole body and stomp her.
“Can you be any more ambiguous?”
“Yes,” she said. “Especially after being delivered here by a hawk.”
“I'll pick yer some daisies fer yer trouble, Meggie,” Google said. “But can ya help us with this Door?”
Meggie flapped her wings and flew over and around the Door, inspecting the hinges and handle, the frame, and finally the Door itself.
“Looks okay to me,” she said. “Very nice work.”
“Thank you,” said Alicia's Daddy.
“But it needs more Dust.”
“How much more?” Google asked.
“Not a lot,” she said. “Maybe just a smidgen on the hinges and a pinch or two on the handle.”
Alicia's Daddy reached up to the shelf where he had put the jar of Fairy Dust. He took out a smidgen and sprinkled it on the hinges, then a pinch and a half for handle.
Meggie did an other inspection, but this time she flew right up to the handle's face and tickled its chin. The handle came to life and she put a finger to its lips.
“Yes?” it asked.
“Shhh!” she admonished.
She looked up its nose and inside its ears, then pulled down on its chin and said “Say awwwwww....” which it did, making her cough since it had very bad breath, then she fluttered back down to the ground.
“The Door should be fine now,” she proclaimed. “But you'll have to fix that rip in the condominium thing yourself. And you'll need a Wizard for that.”
“Thank ye Meggie,” said Google. “We've got a Wizard in mind, but we've got to bust him out of an Elf jail. Elroy's got'im locked up on shoplifting charges.”
“Good luck with that,” Meggie said. “Elroy's a real bugger and his jail isn't exactly easy to get in or out of.” Then she added, “It IS easy to get in. It's the getting out that's the problem.”
“Would you come with us?” Alicia asked.
Meggie almost said “No way!” right off, but she had been feeling a bit restless and was almost in the mood for an adventure. Christmas was still a few months away and Sugar Plum Fairies don't have much to do until then.
“How many daisies do I get?”
“As many as you want,” said Alicia. “I'll even pick them myself.”
Meggie thought about it for a minute, tapping her foot and turning her head this way and that, as if the answer might be on the ceiling.
“I'll do it,” she finally answered. “But only 'cause I like you, kid.”
Alicia's Daddy was originally planning on going by himself with maybe Google in tow. He didn't want to make Alicia's Mommy any madder than she was and after the trip through the Cusp, he didn't want Alicia to be in any more danger. But a fairy would be useful, he thought.
“Alicia, honey,” he said. “Maybe it would be better if you stayed home for this. It's going to be dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt.”
“No way, Dad... I'm coming with you or I'm telling Mom what really happened.”
“Crap.”